Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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