What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
