pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
