Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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