I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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