I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
