He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i drank out of a bidet.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
