Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
