my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
