i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
