2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
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Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."