Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.