my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
