I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
