I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
