Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
