At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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