there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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