Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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