I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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