i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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