just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
