I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
