The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
