that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
