Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
