I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
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I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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