I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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