i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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