You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
