yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize