You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
