Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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