Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
