I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
