yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I can't put those talents on a resume
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You ruined the universe
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
