I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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