my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
