I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
