i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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