New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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