i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
