I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
