watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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