Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
