I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
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