you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
