i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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