i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
