I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
