Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
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Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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