Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
