She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
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