ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
