Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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