And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
