WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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