So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Nicole vs. Life
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
