I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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